Losing my virginity…it wasn’t when I first masturbated (I was much too young for toys, and I never penetrated myself, and it wasn’t when a boyfriend or two rubbed clumsily at my clit…it was the night when I had actual sex for the first time. As in penetrated by a penis.
It’s been a long time since I first had sex, but I remember that night. I was 14, and mature (I’d started my period a few years earlier) – in my mind at least. I’d kissed boys before, and let them feel my breasts…and a boy or two had groped me, although never gotten anything inside. I’d masturbated on occasion, although it wasn’t something I did often or well. I’d never seen porn…well, a few naked ladies in my Dad’s Playboys that he kept hidden under the bed, but those were mild magazines. And I didn’t really have a good idea of what sexual intercourse was – we didn’t have a great sex ed program in school, and my parents didn’t believe in talking about sex at all.
The boy I was dating at the time was 17 or 18, and he was much more experienced than I was. We’d fooled around quite a bit, but things had never gone that far. Then, one summer night, I was spending the night at my best friend’s house. We went out late, with my boyfriend and hers, and ended up walking around town. We ended up at the park and we split up - my boyfriend and I somehow made our way onto one of the baseball fields. It was dark, and there were no lights over the field, so it seemed like a good place to make out.
After a lot of heavy petting and groping, I remember lying on the grass of the outfield, with my pants off and the grass cold and prickly along my butt and legs. His hands were questing, and I was enjoying myself and the feelings he was causing, but it didn’t really enter my mind that we were going to have sex. I didn’t quite realize what he was going to do, until it was too late, and I was hurting like I never had before. It wasn’t very good, and thankfully it wasn’t very long, but it left me sore and crying.
Do I regret it? I did for a while. I wish I would have been older, and that it would have been someone I truly loved. I didn’t really lose my virginity – it was taken from me that night. But in return, I found something in myself awaken, and it shaped who I became…and who I am.
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