I wrote this post several years ago – it was posted on another website that’s now basically defunct, and it was published non-exclusively, so I’ve decided to repost it here. I hope you enjoy it!
With two small children, I read a lot of books. Some of them multiple times. Particular favorites in our house include all of Dr. Seuss. He’s great fun to read, but by now I think I have all of his stories and tongue-twisters memorized. I find myself doing rhymes during the day when I’m talking to my family or friends. It’s scary how they come to me without even thinking. And sometimes I dream in Seuss. It can even pop into my head when I’m having sex.
With Dr. Seuss’s birthday coming up (it’s today!), I wonder what it would be like if Dr. Seuss wrote about sex. There’s such a variety of stories that he could write! With his silly rhymes and wonderful drawings, imagine the places he’d go!
In Dr. Seuss’s Alphabet book you might find the following:
Big A. Little a. What begins with a?
Alice’s ample ass. A, a, a.
Big B. Little b. What begins with b?
Bertha’s bouncing boobies…b,b,b.
Big V. Little v. What begins with v?
Vera’s Vintage Vibrators…v, v, v.
and so on. This could be an amusing book. Imagine the illustrations!
One Fish, Two Fish was always popular. But it could have gone something like
One cock, Two cock
Red cock, Blue cock
Black cock, White Cock
Old Cock, New Cock
This one has a little scar
This one’s pointing near and far
Say! What a lot of cocks there are!
Some are black and some are white
Some are heavy, some are light.
This cock’s thin, and this cock’s fat.
The fat one has a yellow hat.
Why is no cock like another?
I do not know, go ask your mother.
A book my children loved when they were little was Hop on Pop, This was a great book to help them learn to read by changing the first letter of rhyming words. I imagine some of it might go:
I like to hop.
I like to hop on top of Pop.
Cum on her bum.
Cum is worse than gum.
He likes to get head.
He gets head in bed.
Now his head’s all red!
The simple books work well for sex. Instead of Left Foot, Right Foot, we might find:
Left boob, left boob, left boob, right
Boobs in the morning,
Boobs at night.
Left boob, left boob, right boob right
Be they large or be they wee,
How many, many boobs you see.
Even the books Dr. Seuss wrote for older kids can be perverted. One of my favorite books is Fox in Socks, which has some incredible tongue twisters. Imagine the fun that could be had:
Willy Wally works wood.
Wanda Wooly works wood.
Wanda works whose wood?
Wanda works Willy’s wood.
Willy works whose wood?
Willy wanks Willy’s wood.
Wanda wanks Willy’s wood.
Willy works Wanda’s wooly.
Another of my favorites is Green Eggs and Ham. The title wouldn’t quite apply, but imagine the rhymes here!
“Just swallow once. I know indeed
You’ll love it when you drink my seed.
Try it! Try it! It’s not pee.
Semen’s so good, so good you see.”
“Your aim’s so bad I will not try.
You’ll likely shoot it in my eye!
I will not swallow on a boat.
I will not swallow with a goat.
I will not swallow on a plane.
Not in the dark. Not on a train.
Not in the sea, not in the air.
Your balls can turn blue, but I really don’t care.
I will not swallow on the bed.
I will not when I give you head.
I will not swallow here or there.
I will not swallow anywhere!
And no, it’s not good for my hair!
I do not like to swallow cum.
I do not like to, it’s so dumb.”
Another popular story at our house is The Sneeches. Dr. Seuss could have had some fun with this one! Imagine:
Now the Natural Snatches
Had snatches with hairs.
The Smooth-shaven Snatches had none upon theirs.
The hair was so fine, and really so small,
You might think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all.
But since they were bare, all the Smooth-shaven Snatches
Would brag “We’re the best looking with all the best matches.”
With noses in the air, they would sniff and they’d snort
“Fluffing! That’s a job for you Natural sort!
When the Smooth-shaven Snatches had one-on-one sex,
Or Orgies or gangbangs or collars on their necks,
The Natural Snatches were never allowed
To join in the fun with the Smooth-shaven crowd.
Lastly, here’s a little perving of the classic The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. While the live action version certainly perverted this story, I imagine Dr. Seuss could have done so even better:
Every one in Porn Valley liked fucking a lot.
But the Grinch, who lived out of the valley, did not!
The Grinch hated fucking! The sucking and tease.
He hated the anal and mass expertise.
It could be he never had played with his cock
Or toyed with his prostate or came in a sock.
I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his dick was two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, his lack or his size,
He stood on the hill wishing for their demise.
For he knew everyone in the valley below
Was getting a clit licking now, or a blow.
“And they’re cumming on camera!” he snarled with a sneer.
“They’re fucking and sucking and banging out here.”
Then he growled with his fingers just stroking his balls,
“I must find a way to put an end to it all!
When the actors were sleeping he made his way down,
Like a coward in the night he snuck into the town.
He made his way carefully into each house,
He went on his tiptoes as quiet as a mouse.
And he stole all the dildos! Vibrators and things!
He took batteries! Lube! And he stole the cock rings!
He took all the fleshlights! He took the butt plug!
The condoms, the movies, all that he could lug!
Then he went back to his place, nastily humming,
“They’re finding out now that no one will be coming!
They’ll all cry and sob, all their toys are now gone.
Now they won’t get off anytime soon. And I will have won!”
With one hand on his cock and one hand to his ear,
The Grinch waited to hear sobs of misfortune and fear.
And he did hear a sound, but instead of bemoaning,
Twas the sound of so many down there intently coming!
He hadn’t stopped orgasms, the people they CAME!
Without any toys they came just the same!
And he puzzled about it until he was blue,
And he realized something that to him was new.
“They don’t need the extras, they don’t need the toys!
They just like having sex and creating the noise!”
And what happened then? In the valley they say
That the Grinch’s small cock grew three sizes that day!
He raced to the valley, he joined in the fun.
And he fucked and he sucked and he licked everyone.
Now all in Porn Valley liked fucking a lot.
And the Grinch, why the Grinch, he gave more than he got!